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Well, I didn't think that I was going to write about this here. In such a public forum. One that I know many close friends and family read. But I find myself now sitting at the keyboard needing an outlet for my thoughts on the matter. So here goes...

I am pregnant again. 

So far things are looking good, and I'm sick and tired as hell which is also a great sign. But I'm finding myself very ambivilent to it all.

After so many losses (3 to be exact) in the recent months, I just can't muster up much excitment. I'm tired and enbittered, and just so wary of letting that spark of hope creep in only to be snuffed out once again.  

Part of me thinks that It's a way of protecting myself in case things don't go well again, another part of me asserts that I'm just so worn out from having to be "on" 24/7 for a toddler already that I'm not in the right frame of mind. But no matter the rational... the fact remains that I still feel guilty.

I really do want the excitment and bubbly-ness to be here! But I can't fake it and I can't force it.

Right now I'm simply counting the days. Watching the weeks go by. Staying helthy and relaxed. 
Trying to keep my mind off of it, but simotaniously keeping a central part of me focused on it so as not to let it slip away.

So, that's where I'm at right now.
Hopefully at my appointment in a few weeks I can gain some reasurrence in the form of actually seeing a little heartbeat, but until then...I'm just, here.



 

Comments

( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
amethysteh
Jun. 15th, 2009 01:31 pm (UTC)
I didn't realize you had so many losses in the recent past. My heart goes out to you, and I can completely understand why you feel ambivalent towards this one. I think it is definitely a way of protecting yourself, both consciously and unconsciously. No one can blame you for that.

I will be thinking of you and praying for you and look forward to an update. If you ever need to talk, don't hesitate to give me a call or email. I can't really sympathize (yet), but I can for sure be a listening ear!!

All my love-
Erin
blondejen
Jun. 15th, 2009 08:58 pm (UTC)
I echo Erin's hugs to you. I didn't realize either that you had 3 pregnancy losses. That is a lot to carry around with you.. Don't feel guilty about feeling sort of ambivalent and tentative.

Years ago, I think women would sort of suffer in private with these early pregnancy losses - hence the tradition of "not telling people" until 12 weeks or until the heartbeat, etc. But if you don't share your news, you also don't have the support and love of your friends and you have to suffer the loss of these pregnancies all by yourself. We are all here for you and reach our arms out in support to you.

*hugs*
Jennifer
yoursoulkitchen
Jun. 20th, 2009 05:08 am (UTC)
I'm so sorry I missed this post when you wrote it. I just saw your entry in breastfeeding.

I just wanted to say congratulations and I hope you have a happy and healthy 9 months ahead of you!

*hugs*
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )

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